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2009.04.30
Large collection of jokes added, including several pages of lightbulb jokes.
2009.04.27
Improved naviation on the riddles page.
2008.03.20
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Light Bulb Jokes
Occupation Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turns itself in.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many divorce lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3 – one to argue for the rights of the old lightbulb, one to argue for the rights of the new lightbulb, and one to argue for the rights of the light socket
Q. How many historians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. I dunno – not my period.
Q. How many revisionist historians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. In actual fact, against popular consensus, the lightbulb was never actually changed.
Q. How many cultural historians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. I am less interested in the lightbulb than the discourses surrounding the changing.
Q. How many art historians does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. 11. One to change the lightbulb, and 5 to show earlier versions that influenced it, and 5 to say that the changing was actually done by the changers apprentice.
Q. How many Scottish historians does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. All of them, because they are sick of living under the shadow of England for so long.
Q: How many singer-songwriters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. They hold the bulb and the world revolves around them.
Q: How many customer service representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to incorrectly diagnose the problem, 2 to repeat the first rep’s notes to the customer, and one to inform the customer that the lightbulb changing service is no longer available in that location.
Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fourier transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, you know.
Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are you kidding? They won’t even change a five dollar bill.
Q. How many Massage Therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but they have to have candles and soft music to do it.
Q: How many MP’s does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it’s done.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
Q: How many newspaper reporters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he’ll tell everybody.
Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four – one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, not even a burned out bulb can catch a waiter’s eye.
Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Two to stand around complaining about it and one to go get the manager.
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
A: Two – one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.
Q: How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!
Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn’t too late to make this neon instead, is it?
Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Proofreaders aren’t supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query them.
Q: How many cover artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why is there…an eggbeater, I think?...sticking out of this light fixture?
Q: How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!
Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the lightbulb’s best interests at heart.
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it’s been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference, and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.
A: One.
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle… ... and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it’s already burned out).
Computer Related Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there’s an engineer around to explain how to do it.
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only “This page intentionally left blank”, and 20% of the definitions are of the form “A …... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks”. (Notes : This is one of the most impressively durable LBJs. It occurs, virtually letter-for-letter identical, in lists whose contents are otherwise wildly different.)
Q: How many IBM CPU’s does it take to turn on a light bulb?
A: 33 – 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they’re arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
Q: How many Apple programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but why bother ? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They just declare darkness the new standard.
A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature.
A: One – but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q: How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ….
A: 400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to answer the phone at the help desk (“Putting you through to our light bulb expert sir… click”), 148 to pad out the pictures in the “Light Bulb – how we did it” magazine.
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light bulb change message.
A: At least a dozen, but it’s impossible to tell which one it is, because they’re all pointing at each other going “That’s me, over there !”
Q: How many Bill Gates’ (Founder of Microsoft) does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard.
Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle…
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she/he’ll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, that’s a hardware problem.
Politics Light Bulb Jokes
Q. How many Socialist Workers Party members does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. Four. One to change the bulb, one to write about it for “the paper”, one to sell you “the paper” and another to follow you home and ask why you weren’t at the bulb changing, if you plan to make the next one and if you were still as committed.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
Q: How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.
Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they use light bulbs which don’t burn out, so they don’t know how.