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One-Liner Jokes

They say, “the only sure things in life are death and taxes.”

This originally came from Ben Franklin’s quote ”...but in the world nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes.”

Marx Brothers


  • “A tightrope-walker tripping on a sidewalk is completely unacceptable.” (Mitch Hedberg)
  • “I have nothing to declare except my genius.” (Oscar Wilde, upon arriving at US customs 1882)
  • “Race is just a pigment of the imagination” (Glen Highland)
  • “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” (Groucho Marx)
  • “Take my wife – please!” (Henny Youngman)
  • “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades” (Demetri Martin)
  • “Overall, I’d say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.” (Milton Jones)
  • “Ah, nostalgia ain’t what it used to be…” (English Proverb, used to mock another’s reactionary opinion.)


Have you ever noticed… anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.

—George Carlin

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said “I’d like some fries”. The girl at the counter said “Would you like some fries with that”. —Jay Leno

Don’t spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They’ll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents. —Billiam Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. —Oscar Wilde

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. —A. Whitney Brown

Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself. —Mark Twain

I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. —Dave Edison

If it weren’t for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight. —George Gobel

Groucho Says …...

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

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