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Life is No Joke!...and then you die!

All about life, death, taxes, and other misery...

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One-Liner Jokes

Marx Brothers


  • “A tightrope-walker tripping on a sidewalk is completely unacceptable.” (Mitch Hedberg)
  • “I have nothing to declare except my genius.” (Oscar Wilde, upon arriving at US customs 1882)
  • “Race is just a pigment of the imagination” (Glen Highland)
  • “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” (Groucho Marx)
  • “Take my wife – please!” (Henny Youngman)
  • “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades” (Demetri Martin)
  • “Overall, I’d say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.” (Milton Jones)
  • “Ah, nostalgia ain’t what it used to be…” (English Proverb, used to mock another’s reactionary opinion.)

Groucho Says …...

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

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