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Large collection of jokes added, including several pages of lightbulb jokes.

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Fun with Words

word fun

Redefining Words …...

1. Abdicate – v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

2. Carcinoma – n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

3. Esplanade – v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

4. Negligent – adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.

5. Lymph – v To walk with a lisp.

6. Gargoyle – n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

7. Bustard – n., a very rude bus driver.

8. Coffee – n., a person who is coughed upon.

9. Flatulence – n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash – n., a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Semantics – n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest’s prayer book together just before vespers.

12. Marionettes – n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.

13. Oyster – n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.


The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing

Modern Aphorisms …...

1. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

2. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

3. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

4. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

5. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

6. Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.

7. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

8. The Dopeler Effect. The tendency of bad ideas to seem good if they come at you fast enough


“If your computer died, would it help to give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation?”


1. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

2. There is always one more idiot than you counted on.

3. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

4. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

5. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

6. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

7. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

8. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

9. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

10. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Try These

1. Life is just a phase you’re going through…you’ll get over it.

2. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

3. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government restriction.

5. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

6. If you look like your passport picture, you really need the trip.

7. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

8. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

9. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

10. Opportunities always look bigger coming than going.

11. Experience is the knowledge you acquired immediately after you needed it.


An English professor wrote the words “A woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “A woman: Without her, man is nothing.”

Punctuation is everything!

Think About It…...

1. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

2. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

3. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

4. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

5. Diplomacy is the art of saying “good doggie” while looking for a bigger stick.

6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and they have bare feet.

7. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

8. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

9. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

10. A dropped tool will always end up exactly 1/2 inch beyond your reach.


1. “To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.”

2. Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.”

3. A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.”

4. Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.”

5. “Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.”

6. “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.”

7. “Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.”

8. “Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.”


  • “Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!”
  • “Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while in the real world some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!”
  • “In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!”
  • “If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!”
  • “How come we get to choose from just two people for President, and 50 for Miss America?”
  • “Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!”
  • “A plastic surgeon’s office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!”
  • Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
  • “I, personally, have got 20/20 hindsight!”

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