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Redneck Jokes


You Must Be A Redneck If

  • You recycle your own toilet paper
  • Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad
  • You see a bill board that says “Don’t do crack” and it reminds you to pull up your pants.
  • You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says “concentrate.”
  • The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.
  • Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.
  • You hunt from your bedroom window.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you’re in the same grade.
  • You refrigerate your food stamps.
  • You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.
  • You have ever dressed your child as a “Snot-rag” for Halloween.
  • Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.
  • You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.
  • You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen “sprinkles” on your cone.
  • You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.
  • You’re always looking to find your Mother-in-Law’s picture on the back of a milk carton!
  • The officer that just pulled you over asks if “you have any I.D.”..and you respond “About whut?”
  • You take a beer to a job interview.
  • You are caught roll’n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.
  • When you finish eatin’ your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.
  • You go to Goodwill to meet women.
  • You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

Redneck’s Guide to Computer Lingo

  • LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter
  • LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood
  • MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
  • DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood ofn the truk
  • MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
  • FLOPPY DISK: Whatca git from tryin to carry too much farwood
  • RAM: That thar thang whut splits th farwood
  • HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in th winter taim
  • PROMPT: Whut th mail ain’t in th winter taim
  • WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
  • SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season
  • BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
  • CHIP: Munchies fer th TV
  • MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in th munchie bag
  • INFRARED: Whur th left over munchies go, Fred eats em
  • MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
  • DOT MATRIX: Dan Matrix’s wife
  • LAP TOP: Whur th kitty sleeps
  • KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang th dang keys
  • SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and knifs
  • MOUSE: What eats th grain in th barn
  • MAIN FRAME: Holds up th barn ruf
  • PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
  • ENTER: Northern fer c’mon in y’all
  • RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife asks.

You Might Be A Redneck If…

1.Your nickname is Billy, Gator or Goober

2. The Big Dipper makes you thirsty

3. You ask a widow for her phone number during her husband’s funeral.

4. Your dog passes gas and you claim it.

5. If the tooth fairy ever left you an I.O.U.

6. If you think the last four words of the national anthem is “Gentlemen start your engines.”

7. If you think a six pack of beer and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.

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