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2008.03.20
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Christian Jokes

The Pastor

A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?” To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”

The Bible

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?” The lady replied, “Of course I do. It is the Bible.” He said, “Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?” She replied, “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.” He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?” The lady said, “Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.” “What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically. “Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.

“I know what the Bible means!”

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!” His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?”

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “So, Son, what does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy. It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’

Lying

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.” The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

True Stories …...

A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three year old boy began in all seriousness: “Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name? And another four-year-old prayed: “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often “adopted” by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut. Commander, kind-of became an Uncle to the family’s only 4 year old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke. This same little girl, was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews flight from Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, the passengers all with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, “Oh, that’s Pontius, the pilot.”

You didn’t believe in me

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

When We Get What We Pray For

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran, she prayed. “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late. Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late” .... at that moment she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty.

She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…but DON’T SHOVE me anymore!”

Father’s Day

If you think about it, Adam would have had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day.

I mean, what do you get somebody who is Everything ?

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